I know I wrote a post recently about why I love being single. It’s true, I really do. However, there is another side where I sometimes get really down on myself and feel like I’m going to be single forever. Maybe I will be, and maybe that’s not such a bad thing. I mean if I’m happy by myself, then why do I need to worry about bringing another person into the mix?
Sometimes I think it has to do with society and how it seems to be expected that you find someone to be with, and also how it seems like single people are looked down upon. Especially if you’ve reached a certain age and have not yet found someone to marry, have kids with, or just generally settle down with. Society also makes it seem like you’re a pathetic person if you’ve been single for years, like myself. I actually read an article once that basically looked down on people who stayed single for more than a year.
I’ll be 29 in a few months and I’ve gotten the many comments, such as, “Are you just going to be single forever?”, “When are you going to get out and meet someone?”, “Are you ever going to get married?”, “If you want to have kids, you need to find somebody soon.” Aside from those comments, I also get comments about how young I look for my age. Several of my family members were joking around recently when they said, “The reason you can’t find a boyfriend is because you look like you’re 14.” I know they didn’t mean anything hurtful by that, but it just adds to the internal struggle I face.
Feeling like I’m not good enough has been something I’ve struggled with my entire life. The fact that I can’t seem to find someone to fall in love with me (who I love back) when it seems to come easily for so many others is something that does eat me up at times. Meeting people, opening up, and being my true self does not come easily for me. I’m highly introverted, so I mostly stay at home doing solitary activities. I’m also very awkward and standoffish around people. This tends to turn people off right away because I come across as uninterested or stuck-up, when that’s really not me at all. It just takes a while for me to get comfortable around someone, and some people don’t have the patience to get to know the real me.
I’ve only been in love once, and he was my first real relationship. We broke up six years ago, and if anyone made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, it was him. Although I moved on, I think I still suffer some effects from that. I definitely don’t look at love and relationships the same way I once did. I have more trust issues now, and I also noticed that I now push people away as a defense mechanism to keep from getting hurt. I think that also contributes to the fact that I stay single because I don’t want to risk being treated poorly, cheated on, and having my heart torn in half. I got into another relationship with someone else four years ago, but it only lasted several months. I ended up breaking up with him because he didn’t make me feel like a priority in his life, and I decided I wasn’t going to go down that road again.
Maybe I will one day find someone I am compatible with and fall madly in love. Maybe I will be one of those oddballs who seems to stay single their whole life. I guess only time will tell. In the meantime, I need to worry less about other people and just try to build myself up instead of thinking something is wrong with me.